Loads of Things and Grief and Love and Wow

From Flickr user PeaGreenGirl
From Flickr user PeaGreenGirl

Wowza, folks. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you on a Wednesday.

I’ve been getting jerked around by The Universe. I’ve been getting pulled down by life’s undertow. I’ve been hurting and sweaty and inconvenienced and grief stricken.

It ain’t just me. Every time I read a selection of posts from Facebook or Reddit I am awed by the absolute chaos in the world.

Yesterday, Anne Lamott, a writer I admire, made one of her lovely narrative posts on Facebook. Here’s an excerpt:

The last two weeks have been about as grim and hopeless as any of us can remember, and yet, I have not gotten out the lobster bib and fork. The drunken Russian separatists in Ukraine with their refrigerated train cars? I mean, come on. Vonnegut could not have thought this up. Dead children children on beaches, and markets, at play, in the holy land?? Stop. […]

I have long since weeded out people who might respond to my condition by saying cheerfully, “God’s got a perfect plan.” Really? Thank you! How fun.

There is no one left in my circle who would dare say, brightly, “Let Go and Let God,” because they know I would come after them with a fork.

It’s not that I don’t trust God or grace or good orderly direction anymore. I do, more than ever. I trust in divine intelligence, in love energy, more than ever, no matter what things look like, or how long they take. It’s just that right now cute little platitudes are not helpful.

Seriously, I often space out at long Facebook posts. But at this one, I shouted YES! like Sally in the diner in When Harry Met Sally.

Thank [_____________] I Am Not The Only One!

Here’re the things: Neil DeGrasse Tyson has explained to me about the Earth’s many cycles, catastrophic extinctions, and rebirths. These are a feature of the ebb and flow of energy, transference, science, life. The world is small now: I am upset about Gaza because I read about it on the internet.

My FRIENDS are in crisis. People I know personally and peripherally are having a Really Hard Time.

I write and feel and run through it (though I have been a shit runner this past week. I am getting back to it on Friday. Swears).

But I feel like I am going liquid and slipping through the wide grip of the energetic cycle. I feel like the world is ending. My chest is tight and heavy. My computer’s battery is broken, so is my phone’s. I lack joy.

Look. I hate to be so miserable. I have so much to be grateful for. Two job interviews in the next couple of weeks, for my dream job: teaching writing at the college level. Progress. Safety. A home, a healthy child, my own wellness, a supportive domestic partner, an internship that promises to be challenging and enriching and provide more opportunities to make ends meet with my best skill. I am sincerely not miserable for myself. Today is Child’s birthday. She’s made it to 9 years of age. She is an excellent human. I am proud to be her mom.

I am miserable for the fact that there are a handful of rich people in this country and hundreds of thousands of children who don’t get three squares a day. That there are >1 million non white people in jail for non-violent drug-related offenses. That we live in a world where one country will slaughter another country’s children over a land war of dubious origin. That people can’t get it (when Fox News is getting all self-righteous) that the percentage of tax dollars that benefit the “lazy” welfare class is insignificant when compared to the percentage of tax dollars that propagate, perpetuate, and eventuate wars, slaughter of thousands of people, fund anonymous bombings, Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Walmart.

Anne Lamott closes her long status post with this:

I take care of my own. You are my own, and I am yours–I think this is what God is saying, or trying to, over the din. We are each other’s. Thee are many forms of thirst, many kinds of water.

So I implore you these two things, even though the whole Western God thing freaks me out a little:

If you have a spare two dollars, give them to one of these two families (or both if you have $4 or more!):

The Hlushaks who have too much incomeĀ  (with the mother’s disability and the father’s low full-time salary) to receive subsidized benefits, but not enough to fund the treatment of their autistic kid (and pay for their housing).

-or-

The vanDjiks who lost their home and two of their children to a fire a couple of weeks ago.

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Sometimes, A Gal’s Just Gotta Rage

from Flickr user Thoth, God of Knowledge
from Flickr user Thoth, God of Knowledge

By now you’ve heard about the SCOTUSĀ  Hobby Lobby decision.

SCOTUS stands for Supreme Court of The United States, but during the past few days, I’ve been rather startled by the acronym’s similarity to the word SCROTUM.

If you’ve been hiding under a rock, here are some links:

They Want More

Ruth Bader Ginsberg is THA BOMB

Hillary’s pissed.

Corporations are people but women are not

What the actual *profanity* *PROFANITY* PROFANITY AT INCREASING VOLUME!!!!!

Then, Jon Stewart quoted Hillary saying The Bible is the most influential book of her life. Honest to god, I can’t believe the transparency of the pandering. What the hell, Hills? Are you strident or not? I say the answer is not.

Maybe she went on to describe the ways in which The Bible has been bastardized by Christian rhetoric. Maybe she means the parts where Jesus is an all-around good dude who had positive ideas about how to be a human in the world. But what is more likely? Her team of Election Manipulators have encouraged her to say shit like that so as not to fully alienate the Religious Right (or whatever they’re calling themselves these days).

It pissed me off.

Other things that pissed me off?

Hobby lobby has no trouble paying for viagra. Sort of like Medicaid has no trouble paying for Penis Pumps.

Nigerian school girls are still missing.

There have been 74 school shootings in the last two years and Gun Lobbyists are still bastardizing the second amendment to “protect” a regular citizen’s “right” to bear arms.

Sexual abuse and assault is still rampant in our culture.

Which, as a mother of a female child, TERRIFIES ME. I’m scared to leave her out of my sight when not in our home. I’m scared some mentally ill person she goes to school with will decide this fall is the fall to tote a little firearm to school and rain bullets.

I’m pissed that I have to worry about that.

I’m angry at how powerless myself and all the other people in the whole country who are worth less than several million dollars are.

I’m angry that the Clintons have the gall to declare themselves broke-ass after their stint in the White House.

And today I’m really fucking sad because a kid I grew up around (our grandmas were BFFs), went to school with, who had loads of friends and was a genius at fixing cars, killed himself.

He killed himself because his dad shot his mom when he was 4. He was there. He killed himself because of domestic violence. He killed himself because of somebody else’s mental illness and gun violence.

I am so wound up today that, after I couldn’t locate my previously existing Yoga DVD, I went to Target and bought two. I did about 50 minutes worth of cardio Yoga and Yoga for stress relief and I feel reasonably calm now. For the rest of the afternoon, I am going to finish reading Eat, Pray, Love, and I am going to try to figure out how to move to space in between frustrated crying jags.

Hopefully I will be refreshed and calm enough to lead tonight’s writing workshop.

What do you all do when you’re full of rage? Am I the only grownup who gets enraged to the point of distraction?