Beam me up, Scotty!

Grant me Serenity. Public Domain Image

I read this great essay today in Tin House.  It was called, “Mirror Mirror: A Guide To Pathos” by Crystal Williams.  It is a lovely essay, poetic, and passionate, and brings up all kinds of terrific ideas and issues with cultural notions of beauty.  There are some haunting images from Detroit in the piece.  And it kind of gave me a eureka moment about the essay.  Like, you don’t always have to conclude something, man.  As Williams said, “I think I’m late to that party.”

And I was going to write a laudatory blog post about Crystal Williams’ essay.

But instead, I’m going to wax mom-austic about a decidedly ugly event of this season of sick.


It was Child’s first time today.

She went up to her teacher and said, “Ms. H___, my vagina hurts.”

Ms. H____ was, of course, worried and called me as soon as she could.

Turns out, Child was sharting all day (which accounts for the sore body parts) and spent at least the last hour of her day with a remarkable, yellow diarrhea slick in her poor, un-padded pants.

I asked her why she didn’t ask to go to the bathroom, and she said, “We’re not allowed to go to the bathroom during X”  I said, “If you’re not feeling well, it’s okay to ask to go to the bathroom, even when it’s against the rules.”

After the third bath, Child said, “Diarrhea Sucks!”

Oh, the mouths of babes.

It’s 6 loads of laundry and 3 baths later, and I am too tired to tell you about my lovely day.  I’m too worn out to contribute anything.  Aside from a few crass lines about poop, I’m tapped.


Author: April Line Writing

Writing about whatever the f*ck I want.

4 thoughts on “Beam me up, Scotty!”

  1. You poor dears. How awful for you both, and worrisome for the teacher, too. Anytime a kid says her vagina hurts you can imagine the panic that ensues behind even the calmest and most understanding of teacherly smiles.

    Alas, the runs is but Chapter One in the Mom’s “Beam Me Up Scotty Log.”

    Coming soon, to a school-aged head near you…

    Chapter 2: Nits, Nit-Pickin’ and the Infestation from Hell. Instructions on Qwelling the opposition, continual scratching, boiling the bed linen, and playing the very fine tooth comb— over and over again.

    Hang in there, kiddo!

    1. We had lice three rounds last year. This year, it’s tea tree oil in everybody’s shampoo and STRICT instructions not to touch heads with anybody else. My partner has long hair–longer than mine–and our 3 bouts with Lice ran my life for about 3 months. Fortunately, I had some reprieve between, but sweet lordy. Learned some good tricks. I promised we’d be a family of shaved heads if it ever happened again.

      1. You’re way ahead then… on to Chapter 3 in the “Beam me up, Scotty” Log.
        A plague of locust… just run-of-the-mill plague? Who knows. We’ll be watching this spot to find out!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s