Cochran School Nurse

Pearl brings home at least a ream of paper each day.

Nothing in this ream of paper delights me quite as much as the condescending notes from the Cochran School Nurse. She does not have a name, apparently. When I met her, once, she struck me as particularly humorless, and the worst sort of medical professional: the sort who does not believe that laypeople can possibly possess a critical muscle.

The school nurse also sends home a blessed highlighted note each time a child has an accident in school. We received the second one today, only this time, instead of only highlighting the bits that she thinks are particularly important, she also circled them.

The school nurse either does not sign, or signs “Cochran School Nurse” on her vastly condescending notices to the general parenting public. She writes in the note that comes home with kindergartners who’ve had potty accidents, “kindergartners can be uncomfortable using the bathroom in this new setting.” Really? I have got to tell you, that never occurred to me.

She also requests that a pair of underwear and pants be sent in the child’s backpack. Here’s the thing: Pearl had underwear in her backpack. The underwear was not utilized. So I think the Cochran School Nurse gets a big kick out of being condescending, or she genuinely believes that all of us parents are dimwits. One way or the other. I find it to be annoying.

Today, I composed a note to the Cochran School Nurse.

I copy it here for your amusement. I also highlighted and circled some parts.

November 2, 2010

Dear Cochran School Nurse,

Please find enclosed the sweatpants you graciously lent us.

Please also understand that the first time my kindergartner had an accident at school, the clothing that was in her backpack was not utilized.

It is important to me to let you know how helpful I find your notes to be—especially the highlighted bits.

I hope we can continue this back-and-forth with as much paper as possible. It’s just marvelous that I’ve received three notes alerting me that there’s no evidence that my kindergartner has had a particular vaccination booster, especially since I have alerted your office, twice, that my kindergartner has an appointment to receive her missing five-year shots and boosters this month!


Cochran Kindergarten Parent


Author: April Line Writing

Writing about whatever the f*ck I want.

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